friday funnies

Dodge · 16-09-2005, 05:45 PM

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says,
"I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm
and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home!
That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome" "Is it common?"
Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says
to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't
believe you,"says Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were

nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but
I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor
replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the
other and says "Dam!".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire
in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that
you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and
asked them to disperse. "But why, "they asked, as they moved
off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an
open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to
a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a
picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture,
she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of
Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen
Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also
ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,
he suffered from bad breath. This made him... (Oh, man, this is so bad,
it's good)... a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Feathers · 16-09-2005, 06:24 PM

Oh dear.

4.9 EF Futura · 16-09-2005, 06:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dodge

"I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an
open foyer."

Lol, pick of the bunch.

Few godd-ens in there. Perhaps i wouldnt find em so funny if i wasnt delerious from 55 hours of work??

TURBOTAXI · 16-09-2005, 06:33 PM

v good
ghandi......ha!

XLS99 Ute man · 16-09-2005, 07:16 PM

tsk...

Bossxr8 · 16-09-2005, 07:17 PM

No 2 is not quite right.

Its supposed to be a bra and a set of jumper leads walk into a bar, and the bartender looks at the bra and says i'm not going to serve you's cause your off your t*ts and your mate looks like he's going to start something.

deesun · 17-09-2005, 12:45 AM

Don't forget this old one; A horse walked up to the bar and the bartender said "Why the long face?"

**Charliewool** · 17-09-2005, 01:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dodge

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says,
"I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm
and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home!
That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome" "Is it common?"
Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says
to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't
believe you,"says Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were

nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but
I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor
replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the
other and says "Dam!".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire
in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that
you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and
asked them to disperse. "But why, "they asked, as they moved
off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an
open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to
a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a
picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture,
she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of
Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen
Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also
ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,
he suffered from bad breath. This made him... (Oh, man, this is so bad,
it's good)... a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

:baby bott Ohhhhhh F**k... My poor tummy. (Brilliant)