A load of facts about CHUCK NORRIS

[EBII Fairmont]

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ИИИИИИИИИ Indian.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the f**k down.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris.

At the end of 'Walker:Texas Ranger', those aren't the credits. They're the names of the people Chuck Norris round-house kicked in the face that day

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Heart disease may be the new leading cause of death in women age 45 to 65, but Chuck Norris is still the leading cause of death in men age 0 to 125.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism , used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "****ing."

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f@*% down.

When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "f&@%*".

There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.

In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.

Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.

Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

23. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's ****!

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

Chuck Norris once ate a van-load full of 13th degree black belts and shat out Steven Seagal.

Hellen Keller was actually born with no ailments. However, she became blind, deaf, and dumb at age three after accidentally bumping into Chuck Norris in a crowded city street. Onlookers applauded as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into submission.

Chuck Norris once ate barbed-wire. Less than two hours later he shat $100 bills.

Chuck Norris once purchased a home at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean and made it his permanent residence for two months to prove that he only breathes because he "feels like it."

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
Chuck Norris once ripped a man in half just to see what he had for lunch.
Chuck Norris invented the C-section when he roundhouse kicked his way into the world.

Chuck Norris is the only person to win an Olympic Gold Medal in swimming without ever getting wet.

One time, Chuck Norris stubbed his toe, and destroyed the whole state of Ohio.

Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.

Chuck Norris' chest hair has chest hair.

Once while watching an episode of Walker Texas Ranger, a young woman remarked, "that's not acting, that's just talking". Immediately Chuck Norris jumped out of the TV screen and roundhouse kicked her to death. Chuck then said, "It's acting if Chuck Norris says it's acting".

Chuck Norris had 98 kills in Vietnam and he wasn't even there.

Chuck Norris was the first true man alive, not that adam guy..

Halley's comet isn't a comet at all, but rather, a man named Murry LeTart whom Chuck Norris very nearly roundhouse kicked out of the solar system because he claimed that the Total Gym was merely a "mediocre fitness machine".

Deeming his too awesome for the world of mortal men or heaven, God attempted to destroy Chuck Norris by swallowing him. However Chuck Norris beat the ИИИИ out of God's insides, causing God to vomit him out. This led to the popular euphamism for vomiting, "Up-Chuck">

Chuck Norris did not allow Y2K to happen, because it was causing people to temporarily forget about the greatest movie ever, "The Octagon".
Many people think that the dinosaurs were killed off by a giant meteor. If by "meteor" you mean "Chuck Norris," then yes, you are correct.

The tide rises when Chuck Norris tells it to.

Chuck Norris can whistle with his beard.

Chuck Norris is no longer a noun, it is a verb.

If Chuck Norris was an animal, he would be a Chuck Norris

The United States armed forces currently employ Chuck Norris in testing thier Abrams Main Battle Tank before sending them into combat. This is achieved by having Chuck Norris attempt to penetrate the hull armor with a single roundhouse kick. 90% of Abrams tanks fail this test.

The reason dogs walk in a circle before laying down is to check for Chuck Norris.

[Mack 6]

That's been around, but there are a few more than in the list I have. I'll need to add some

[Franky]

Can't believe I actually read this crap lol

I think the person who wrote this has a bit of an obsession with roundhouse kicks

[Redrum]

Now that the Hoff is sorting of getting old, lets bring back the CHUCK!!

[trick_xd]

Tooooooooooo much time on there hands to come up with that

and to much time i have for reading it all

[TURBOTAXI]

I had a good laugh.

[XD 351 Ute]

Quote "Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. "

Funniest saying ever!!!!

Ed

[BOSS 540]

A few years ago I got called Mr 'Chuck' in Bali because my hotel tour guide thought my surname 'Morris' sounded like 'Norris' lol..

[MO]

Chuck Norris was a good student of mine he learnt well.

[mcflux]

Originally Posted by EBII Fairmont

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

Bwaaaahahahahahahaha!!!

[Gammaboy]

Repost?

[FordFan86]

Can't believe I actually sat here and read all that. I've never watched ONE Chuck Norris movie.

[mcflux]

Delta Force and Delta Force 2 are good for a laugh

[Annie1962]

Soooooo Chuck Norris is the new Hoff?

[Peuty]

Bwahahahahahaha.

[superpursuit83]

Hey !! Thats my hero your knocking, Still watch him on Texas Ranger : now and then :

[Choca]

I enjoyed that

[DanXR6T]

That was awesome... especially the MacGyver one!!

Dan...

[Ringo]

How about my three additions to the list?

Chuck Norris has to undergo annual inspections by Hans Blix from the UN because he legs are classified as 'Weapon of Mass Descruction'

Chuck Norris was originally scripted to play the part of Private Ryan in the movie "Saving Private Ryan" until studio execs decided that the story was to far fetched - Chuck Norris would never need to be saved by Tom Hanks.

Chuck Norris doesn't have to squeeze his oranges to get fresh orange juice.....He just glares at them and the oranges start bleeding.

[xr8 007]

hey i'm a big martial arts fan and chuck norris kicks a$$! I hope i'm in similar shape to him when i reach his age.

On a serious note did anyone know that he taught Bruce lee afew different kicks when he was his student.

[MO]

Originally Posted by xr6007

hey i'm a big martial arts fan and chuck norris kicks a$$! I hope i'm in similar shape to him when i reach his age.

On a serious note did anyone know that he taught Bruce lee afew different kicks when he was his student.

I doubt very much that cn taught bl anything...as for his shape he is suffering from many arthritic probs due to his martial arts routine....

[GreenMachine]

Originally Posted by John McMaster

he is suffering from many arthritic probs due to his martial arts routine....

Chuck Norris treats his arthritic problems with a detailed regimen of roundhouse kicks.

[klawsterfobik]

LOL...

I've never watched a Chuck Norris movie either, but goddam that was funny.
"The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain."

[JG3282]

Originally Posted by Annie1962

Soooooo Chuck Norris is the new Hoff?

The Hoff is only the Hoff cos Chuck Norris says he is the Hoff

anyway in reality Chuck was on the decline before the hoff was even in Knight Rider, Lone Wolf McQuade will go down as the second greatest movie EVER!

[nb_351]

got to keep this n the forums... bloody funny...

[blutura]

Thread mining is Chuck Norris's pet hate......

[chief]

David Boon could count to infinity (Like Chuck Norris) but he just can't be arsed.

Scientists once said that challenging Chuck Norris to a fight is the stupidest thing you can do. This is wrong. The stupidest thing you can do is challenge David Boon to a drinking contest.

[DanXR6T]

Yes I agree, Chuck Norris vs David Boon, two one-way tickets Australia to Melbourne, unlimited VB's...

Would be the clash of the century!!!