Put some jokes here (non dirty)

foxtrot · 24-01-2006, 04:04 PM

Man in VN commodore drives to wreckers for some spare parts, walks up to counter, have you got a..... man behind counter looks over at VN and interrupts.. "nah we're full up right now buddy, thanks but no thanks"

yo muma so fat when she see a big Mack truck she ask the driver if she can have one (varient would be, asks driver why his hair isn't red anymore)

they are really crap jokes but I made them up when i was on the toilet so you get that

:

aimzes · 24-01-2006, 04:09 PM

Quote:

they are really crap jokes but I made them up when i was on the toilet so you get that

i hope you washed them off before posting them up here

biomechanic · 24-01-2006, 04:16 PM

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A seal walks into a club.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says
"Pint please, and one for the road."

Falcon Freak · 24-01-2006, 04:21 PM

Q. What do you call a fly without wings?
A. A walk

Q. What did one fly say to the other fly?
A. Your man is down

FF

gozza · 24-01-2006, 04:23 PM

a blonde , brunette and redhead decide that swimming a 50 mt lap of breaststroke will finally give them an indication to whos the smarter

the brunette finishes first
the red head a few seconds later
half an hour lata the blonde pulls herself from the pool panting
"you guys cheated...you used your arms!!!"

gozza · 24-01-2006, 04:24 PM

ho wmany babies does it take to change a lightbulb??

whats a lightbulb?

Falcon Freak · 24-01-2006, 04:27 PM

Q. How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?
A. Shine a torch in her ear

FF

gozza · 24-01-2006, 04:29 PM

an aussie english and amercian get stuck in the desert due to no fuel
they decide splitting up for help is the best option and all should take some sort of equipment for survival

the englishman takes the food
the american take the water
the aussie proceeds to rip off the car door leavin the american and englishment stunned

what are you doing that for?

aussie)well i figure if it gets too hot on the trek i can always wind down the window

yes stupid...i don't know any clean funny jokes

gozza · 24-01-2006, 04:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Falcon Freak

Q. How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?
A. Shine a torch in her ear

FF

how do you a create wind tunnel?
line up half a dozen blondes

before you blondes get ya skirt twisted my gf's blonde and i mean no disresepct

foxtrot · 24-01-2006, 04:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gozza

before you blondes get ya skirt twisted my gf's blonde and i mean no disresepct

my gf is blonde too but blonde jokes rock

3 female Construction workers are working on a buildings rooftop.. Blonde woman, american woman and lets just say a mexican woman (I cant quite remember)

Smoko bell goes off and they all sit down to eat..

american woman opens her lunchbox.. "oh no not another friggin hotdog.. If my husband makes me one more hotdog for lunch im guna kill myself!"

mexican woman opens her lunchbox... "oh no. taco's again!!! if my husband makes me taco's for lunch ONCE MORE im guna kill myself!!!"

blond woman opens her lunchbox "Oh no, not vegemite sandwiches.. If i get these once more..im going to kill myself as well"

next day they are back at work and lunch times comes...

American woman opens her lunchbox and has hotdogs.. shes so damn angry she jumps straight off the side of the building killing herself

Mexican woman opens her lunchbox... she has taco's.. shes so angry she jumps off the building too

Blonde opens her lunchbox.. has a think about what she said the day prior and sticks with it.. she runs and jumps straight off the building killing herself

Funeral comes and all the husbands are sitting around sad and thinking about why they'd kill them selfs.. Mexicans husband says "i think it's because i made her taco's everday".. american ladies husband admits "yes.. i too made her the same thing everyday"

The blondes husband scratches his head with a puzzled look on his face and says.. but my wife packs her own lunch.

oh man all that typing for such a lame joke

:

xe351 · 24-01-2006, 04:49 PM

The dyslexic (spell?) satanist says "there is no Dog"

your mama so fat they call her eclipse

foxtrot · 24-01-2006, 04:51 PM

Young man has his hair spiked in all directions and different colours.. red, yellow, green etc

He's walking through the park when he notices an old man sitting on a chair and staring at him... at first he ignores it.. but after a while he can't help himself

he walks over to the old man and says "whats wrong old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
the old man replies "Got drunk at a party once and had ___ with a parrot, was wondering if you were my son"

Jokers Wild · 24-01-2006, 05:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by foxtrot

they are really crap jokes but I made them up when i was on the toilet so you get that

:

Mate you need a new hobby

: like they say crap in crap out

:

gozza · 24-01-2006, 05:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xe351

The dyslexic (spell?) satanist says "there is no Dog"

your mama so fat they call her eclipse

variation...the dyslexic aetheist insomniac lays in bed all night wondering if there really is a dog

foxtrot · 24-01-2006, 05:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jokers Wild

Mate you need a new hobby

: like they say crap in crap out

:

Better out than in, do you not get bored on the toilet and think of jokes
:SaiyanSmi

foxtrot · 24-01-2006, 05:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gozza

variation...the dyslexic aetheist insomniac lays in bed all night wondering if there really is a dog

LOL hahaahahha

Blue Oval Mopar Man · 24-01-2006, 05:29 PM

2 yound constables out on patrol one day , spot a hells angel walking down the sidewalk, draging a peice of chain. Thinking something untoward is happening they stop and confront the biker . One cop askes why the biker is draging the chain down the street ? The biker looks at the chain, looks at the cop and says, " Have you ever tried pushing one !!!!!!!!!!!!!

flappist · 24-01-2006, 05:42 PM

Two tigers strolling through the jungle.
One says to the other "I heard that Lions have sex 10 times a day".
The other replys "Bugger, I just joined APEX".

gozza · 24-01-2006, 05:47 PM

pete the boss is a local labourer and needed a strong but dim witted person
so he calls upon the village idiot steve
pete.." steve i need you to go to the tree under the bridge half a K east and tie up all the kangaroos you can catch"
steve " no worries boss"

3 hours later steve call pete

steve " boss i caught a pig"
boss" "you what?"
steve " i caught pig.. what should i do?"
boss" ohh just tie him up and throw him in the back with the roos
steve " already done that boss...what should i do with the helmet and motorcycle"

i had to cut it down and edit it due to racial complications

eb_5litre · 24-01-2006, 06:09 PM

Q. What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A. Pregnant.

foxtrot · 24-01-2006, 06:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gozza

pete the boss is a local labourer and needed a strong but dim witted person
so he calls upon the village idiot steve
pete.." steve i need you to go to the tree under the bridge half a K east and tie up all the kangaroos you can catch"
steve " no worries boss"

3 hours later steve call pete

steve " boss i caught a pig"
boss" "you what?"
steve " i caught pig.. what should i do?"
boss" ohh just tie him up and throw him in the back with the roos
steve " already done that boss...what should i do with the helmet and motorcycle"

i had to cut it down and edit it due to racial complications

LOL oi gozza PM me the whole joke

BA Bakes · 24-01-2006, 07:14 PM

Q. Why did the plane crash?
A. The Pilot was a loaf of bread

Two blondes are sitting on a Gold Coast beach at night looking at the moon. One asks the question "What do you think is closer, the Moon or Melbourne?" The other blonde replied, "Can you see Melbourne from Here!!"

Falcon Freak · 24-01-2006, 08:53 PM

Q. Why was the Irish man on the roof?
A. Because somebody told him that drinks were on the house.

FF

F6 UTE · 24-01-2006, 09:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BA Bakes

Q. Why did the plane crash?
A. The Pilot was a loaf of bread

ahhh, my kind of humour..

q.) Why did the boy lay infront of a train

a.) Chest of drawers.

Venomous · 24-01-2006, 09:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by F6 UTE

ahhh, my kind of humour..

q.) Why did the boy lay infront of a train

a.) Chest of drawers.

Oh these are awesome, post up more lol

ratman · 24-01-2006, 09:23 PM

Doberman and the Chihuahua

There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with
a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says
to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that
restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there.
We've got dogs with us." The guy with the Doberman
Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over
to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher
puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk
in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't
understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at
the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?" He says, "Yes,
they're using them now, they're very good." The guy
at the door says, "Come on in." The guy with the Chihuahua
figures, "What the hell," so he puts on a pair of dark
glasses and starts to walk in.

The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand.
This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says,
"A Chihuahua?" The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You
mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"

Tiapan · 24-01-2006, 09:43 PM

q:why did the boy fall off the swing??

a:he had no arms and legs

Q: why did the little girl fall off her bike?

a: someone threw a fridge at her

Tiapan · 24-01-2006, 09:44 PM

there was a suasage and an egg in a frypan, the suasage rolled over to the egg and says 'howz it gion?'
the egg rolls aside and says 'fk a talkin sausage!!!!!'

Blue Oval Mopar Man · 24-01-2006, 10:14 PM

A young lady is driving down a country road one day when she accidentaly runs over a rabbit! A few seconds later a travelling salesman stops to find her kneeling by the lifeless rabbit crying her eyes out ! She is all upset about the rabbit and askes the salesman to do something, anything !

He tells her to hold on a sec , and bolts to the back of his car and returns with a pressurised spray can and quickly sprays it over the rabbit!

After a few seconds the rabbit starts moving a little , then a bit more and after 30 seconds it is on its feet again! It sniffs around for a second and to the amazemnet of the 2 it starts hopping away. It hpes about 50 metters away , then stops all of a sudden , looks back at them and gives them a little wave . The young lady blinks in disbelief as it starts to hop away again and she turns to see the bloke standing there watching the rabbit with a job well done smirk on his face .

she looks at the rabbit again just in time to see it stop, turn , and wave again , then hopping away again.

She says " That is unbeleivable! Who the hell are you ?" The bloke replies that he is a traveling salesman to beauty shops and barbers and he sells this stuff, and holds up the can for her to see.

She looks at the can and reads , HAIR RESTORER, with a permenant wave .

*rayman* · 24-01-2006, 10:19 PM

A man goes to hospital to get his appendix out, after the operation when the man is laying in bed a little groggy, he see's the doc walking past.

He calls the doc in to talk to him, and asks how the operation went.

The doc says "Well there's some good news and some bad news"

Patient says "What do you mean? You better give me the bad news then"

Doc - "Well, we kinda got your charts mixed up with another patient, and umm, i'm really sorry to tell you, but, we umm, have amputated your legs below the knee"

The patient reaches down and feels around, starts panicking and screaming "oh ИИИИИ, oh ИИИИ" then pauses. Looking puzzled says "Well whats the good news then?"

Doc - "See that old guy over there?"

Patient - "Yeah"

Doc - "Well he wants to buy your slippers"