[deemo]

Hi i hope someone can help with my problem, it's a storage one

The car was parked overnight and didn't show any signs of trouble prior to now
Tried starting with no luck, all dash goes blank with in dash blinker bits flashing fast and I assume ignition or something else clicking away in the engine bay and nothing happens, alarm doesn't go off even if I unlock it with the key and not remote. By the way you can lock it no prob (remote) unlocking is no go, makes a bit of a sound but remains loaned
Tried with battery disconnect and had another go with no results.
What can I do when it comes to diagnostics, dealer who will take both my arms and a big toe considering it's not under warranty any more
Any recommendations? If there is a mobile mech with a diagnostic tool that you can recommend?
Otherwise itll have to be towed to dealer together with my organs

Any advice is appreciated
Tx