[normell]

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's
> > lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie
> > appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The Genie
> > said, "Nope... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in
> > third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant
> > you one wish. So...what'll it be?" The woman didn't hesitate. She said:
> > "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries
> > to stop fighting with each other."
> >
> > The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed: "Gadzooks, lady! These
> > countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not
> > THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."
> >
> > The woman thought for a minute and said: "Well, I've never seen a
> > Collingwood premiership. Can you make them into a team that is skilful
> > with players who hit team-mates by hand or foot, a team that is quick
> > and elusive and runs hard, a team that mans up and puts in hard every
> > week, a team with confidence, spirit and soul. A team of players that
> > would be the envy of other supporters"
> >
> > The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that f--kin' map!"
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
> >
> >
> >
> > Danny Frawley: The chicken crossed the road and got hit by a bus, it
> > tried hard to get across the road but the bus was bigger, I think we can
> > all take some positives out of the chicken trying to cross the road.
> >
> >
> >
> > Leigh Matthews: The chicken had to cross the road because it was not
> > eligible to stay on its side of the road because the AFL changed the
> > father son criteria and its father was on its side of the road.
> >
> >
> >
> > Dean Laidley: I dont really care about whether the chicken crossed the
> > road or not , I just want it to get a little more angry about what its
> > doing and as long as it knows its my way or the highway it can cross the
> > road whenever it likes.
> >
> >
> >
> > Mick Malthouse: The chicken was slow but the road was patient.
> >
> >
> >
> > Grant Thomas: We have no comment about the chicken and it crossing the
> > road we just told it that we expect 100% commitment to this club and
> > anything less wont be tolerated, we gave the chicken some life
> > counselling and it decided to cross the road which I think is in the
> > best interests of the club
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > What do you do for a drowning Collingwood player? Nothing. You could
> > drag him to the top, but he'll choke anyway.
> >
> >
> >
> > What's the difference between Collingwood and an arsonist? An arsonist
> > wouldn't waste 22 matches.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Did you hear about the politician who was found dead in a Collingwood
> > jersey? The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to
> > save his family from the embarrassment.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > A man meets a friend and sees that his friend's car is a total write-off
> > and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his
> > friend, "What's happened to your car?" "Well," the friend responds, "I
> > ran over Nathan Buckley." "OK," says the man, "that explains the blood.
> > But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?" "Well,
> > he tried to escape through the park."
> >
> >
> >
> > If you see a Collingwood fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve
> > to hit him? It could be your bicycle.
> >
> >
> >
> > What do Collingwood fans and sperm have in common? One in 3,000,000 has
> > a chance of becoming a human being.
> >
> >
> >
> > What do you have when 100 Collingwood fans are buried up to their necks
> > in sand? Not enough sand.
> >
> >
> >
> > What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead
> > Collingwood fan on the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog.
> >
> >
> >
> > You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a Collingwood
> > fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What do you do? Shoot the
> > Collingwood fan - twice.
> >
> >
> >
> > How many Collingwood fans does it take to change a light bulb? Seven -
> > one to change it, five to moan about it and make excuses and Mick
> > Malthouse to say that if the umpire had done his job in the first place
> > the light bulb would never have gone out.
> >
> >
> >
> > What's the difference between a female Collingwood fan and a pitbull?
> > Lipstick.
> >
> >
> >
> > Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, an intelligent Collingwood fan and an old
> > drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot
> > a $100.00 note. Who gets it? The drunk, of course; the other three are
> > mythical creatures.
> >
> >
> >
> > What is black and brown and looks good on a Collingwood Fan? A doberman.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > What do Collingwood fans use for birth control? Their personalities.
> >
> >
> >
> > What is the difference between an Collingwood fan and a trampoline? You
> > take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
> >
> >
> >
> > What do you call 5000 dead Collingwood fans at the bottom of the ocean?
> > A good start.
> >
> >
> >
> > A Collingwood fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his
> > Collingwood jumper. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St
> > Peter in a St Kilda scarf. "Hello, mate," says St Peter, "I'm sorry, no
> > Collingwood fans in heaven." "What?" exclaims the man, astonished. "You
> > heard. No Collingwood fans." "But, but, but, I've been a good man,"
> > replies the Collingwood supporter. "Oh, really?" says St Peter, "what
> > have you done then?" "Well," says the guy, "three weeks before I died, I
> > gave 20 bucks to the starving children in Africa." "Oh," says St Peter,
> > "anything else?" "Well, two weeks before I died, I gave 20 bucks to the
> > homeless." "Hmmm. Anything else?" "Yeah. A week before I died, I gave 20
> > bucks to the Albanian orphans." "Okay," says St Peter, "you wait here a
> > minute while I have a word with the governor." Ten minutes pass before
> > St Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a
> > word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your sixty bucks back
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know
> > the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a
> > living.
> >
> >
> >
> > The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my Daddy is a postman"
> >
> >
> >
> > The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic"
> >
> >
> >
> > Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my Father is a fag
> > called Adrian, who is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men"
> >
> >
> >
> > The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the
> > school yard approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true
> > that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.
> >
> >
> >
> > He blushed and said "I'm sorry Miss, but my Dad plays football for
> > Collingwood and I was just too embarrassed to say so"
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > An Essendon fan, a Collingwood fan and a Richmond fan were all in Saudi
> > Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police
> > rushed in and arrested them. The mere
> >
> > possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the
> > terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were
> > sentenced to death!
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they
> > were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life
> > imprisonment.
> >
> >
> >
> > By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial
> > finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be
> > released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
> >
> >
> >
> > As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said,
> > "It is my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to grant
> > each of you one wish before your whipping."
> >
> >
> >
> > The Essendon fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he
> > thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my
> > back
> >
> > This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went
> > through. The Essendon fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying
> > with pain when the punishment was done.
> >
> >
> >
> > The Collingwood fan was next up (he had almost finished an entire six
> > pack by himself), and after watching the scene, said "Alright! Please
> > fix two pillows on my back."
> >
> > But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went
> > through again, sending
> >
> > the Collingwood fan out crying like a little girl.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > The Richmond fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate),
> > but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said,
> > "You support the greatest team in the world, your supporters are some of
> > the best and most loyal fans in the world. For this, you may have two
> > wishes!"
> >
> > "Thank you, your Royal Highness," the Richmond fan replies. "In
> > recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20,
> > but 100 lashes".
> >
> >
> >
> > "Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are
> > also very brave," the Sheikh says with an admiring look on his face.
> >
> > "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And, your second
> > wish....what is it to be?"
> >
> > "Tie the Collingwood fan to my back."